Getting Your Remarriage Permit

I often have someone come in my office and inform me of their desire to divorce. Whether invoking what they consider to be the "adultery exception" (as they often call it) or not, I always know what is coming later in the conversation. I listen for it, yet never have to press for it. Eventually, their motive is fully exposed. They don't simply plan to divorce.

They plan to remarry.

Sometimes, they already have a future spouse in mind. Other times, they have no one in mind, but they do believe that their spouse's adultery not only gives them permission to divorce, but gives them permission to remarry as well. Nearly every time, I hear a statement like, "I'm leaving my spouse because I deserve a husband who will be faithful to me." (Or the sister statement, "My kids deserve a father who will be faithful to the family.") While it is true that God's design is for a man to be a faithful husband and father, I would also argue that His design is for your current spouse to play that role, not someone else.

I have yet to counsel a person who wants to invoke their "right to divorce" that does not also see it as permission to remarriage. Therefore, before they are divorced (read: still married), they are already thinking toward sharing a marriage bed with another partner. There may not be a name or face attached, but they are already entertaining the thought of someone other than their current spouse.

Isn't such thinking adultery?

[But the person is no longer my spouse, for they have broken the marriage, I have heard some protest. But such thinking is inconsistent. If the marriage is broken, why seek a divorce? It's simply the legal formality, they argue. But again, would they apply the same rule to engaged couples? Are engaged couples free to engage in intercourse because all that waits is the formality? Would you be content with your child taking such an approach?]

This does not end with a hard-hearted-learn-to-live-with-it exhortation, but rather, with a time of reflection at the cross. Jesus died for those who are unfaithful. Even in the midst of pain and hurt created by someone else's unfaithfulness, I am called to see my own propensity to wander. I am given the privilege to take them to Christ who endures my unfaithfulness, but also remained faithful even in the midst of Judas' betrayal and the disciples' denials. Though difficult, the believer is granted opportunity to greater intimacy with Christ as they share in the fellowship of suffering. In the face of their spouse's unfaithfulness, they can choose to be faithful to their covenant, just as Christ remains faithful despite our unfaithfulness.

In the end, additional adultery is not just avoided, but the gospel is also exalted!

Getting Your Adultery Permit

If a married man came to you and told you he was having sex with another woman, you would call that adultery, right?

If a married man came to you and told you he was entertaining the temptation to have sex with another woman, you'd show him that Jesus calls that adultery, right?

What if the married man shares there is no woman specifically in mind but that he regularly finds himself fantasizing for someone other than his wife? Isn't this an evidence of an adulterous heart (not to mention greed, covetousness and pride)?

You see, the pit of adultery goes much deeper than what the eye first beholds. Often, we are tempted to see adultery as beginning the moment physical contact takes place. However, Jesus said the act of adultery began long before that. In the same way, we are often tempted to think lust occurs the moment sexual thoughts cross my mind. However, the pit of lust is much wider than just sex. Lust manifests itself in any form of wanting someone else. Take a movie character, for example. The man is often (though not exclusively) tempted to want a woman who looks like a female character. On the other hand, the woman is often (though not exclusively) tempted to want a man who acts like a male character. Either situation is lust.

Therefore, if a man came to you and said he was leaving his wife because he deserves one with a better figure, you'd smack him around, right? Such a statement shows and attitude of covetousness, discontent, lust, greed and pride (probably should tell him to check out his shape in the mirror too, eh?). Obviously, the man is not justified in his desire.

Now, what if the same man said he was leaving his wife for one of a better personality? Is that excused? How about a better cookbook? Better bargain hunting skills?

What if she is a gossip? A liar? A drunk? Do any of these sins give him permission to divorce her? Even if she is an unbeliever, he is not free to divorce her. (1 Corinthians 7:12-13; Read the context as well to see that I am not calling it sin if your unbelieving spouse left you. Paul very clearly says there is nothing you can do about that.) God does not call the believer to condone their sin or facilitate it, but He does not call them to break their covenant either. You made a covenant "for better or for worse" and God will grant you the grace to endure and grow into the image of Christ as you go through the worst.

Someone who denies the Betrothal View says, Ah, but marital unfaithfulness is different, Jesus gave permission to divorce in this case. Is marital unfaithfulness really that far and away beyond other sins we are called to endure in our spouse, especially in light of Christ, who has been faithful to His unfaithful Bride since her formation?

I would argue that the Betrothal view is the best hermeneutic as well as the most consistent way of engaging sin. Tomorrow, I plan (Lord willing) to give one last example that any other view almost always is a sign of an adulterous heart in both parties.

Getting Your Divorce Permit?

The Marital Faithfulness Exception...

Nearly every time I counsel a person suffering the tragedy of adultery the person claims their right to divorce. Sometimes, the person claims the right, yet shares they will use restraint from invoking it. Other times the person comes in declaring they are going to divorce and they have been given the right to do so from God. Sadly, I've even had some encounters where the person is now seeking divorce for adultery that was committed (and repented of) in the distant past. Like a Monopoly game card, the victim considered their spouse's sin as having created an optional nature to their marriage from here on out. They've now earned a free pass out of the marriage, to be used at their convenience.

Over the years, I'm not sure which I find more fascinating; that the unbeliever is aware of the exception clause, or that the believer thinks this "hold onto it until a rainy day" attitude fits into the Biblical understanding of forgiveness.

Each time I share that I believe the Betrothal View is the most faithful hermeneutic of these exceptions, I get a blank stare in return. Some are so tragically bitter, they will not even consider that there is another way to look at the text. Others, by God's grace, are willing to investigate the texts, but also admit they have never seen this perspective advocated.

Recently, I've begun to share not only that the Betrothal View is the most faithful hermeneutic, but also that any other perspective is usually evidence of adultery on the part of the person wishing to invoke the exception.

I'll explain more tomorrow, Lord willing.